In my slumbook days, I used to fill in the Motto section with " Try & try until you die ". In many ways, I am a TH [ read: trying-hard ].

Take blogging for example. I fantasize being a writer and blogging seemed a good medium to start with. Only, I created lots of blogs that I now have trouble accessing because I got all the url, usernames and passwords mixed up or totally forgotten. Same is true with my e-mail accounts so that recovery is an effort in futility. Continuity in updating is another matter. I try hard to come out with a piece I am comfortable to post yet oftentimes I could not even satisfy myself with it. I am resigned to the fact that it is all a spur of the moment thingee.

In other ways, I am a TH. [read: trying half-heartedly ]. No wonder I feel I am underachieving. It doesn't help that I am almost always out of job whenever reunion of sorts come in.

Here is a decision starting today. Dying is certain. Success is a probability only in trying. And in trying, I vow to give my best. No more holding back with regards to effort. I will let go only of the hang-ups.

Hope this blog help.

 

 

amusing

Recently naging in-touch ako sa 2 babaeng naging crush ko nung elementary days namin. Friends na kami ngayon. Actually, naging pers lab ko pa nga yung isa, although one-sided nga lang. [ ouch! =( ]. Since this is supposed to be amusing, I will reserve details of that for another entry. Parehas na silang happily married, parehas nasa abroad at parehas magbabalik-bayan later this month to attend family occassions.

What's amusing?

Nakapanood ako ng SUGO kanina sa GMA-7. At parang nagcombine sa isang character ng telepantasya ang dalawang babaeng tinutukoy ko. Yung unang babae, kahawig nya si Amy Austria. Medyo papayating mo lang ng mga 10 lbs. Tapos, ang name ni Ms. Austria sa nasabing palabas eh name naman nung pers lab ko.

meron bang ganito?

Si friend ko na amy-austria-look-a-like, nacurious sa lovelife ko na currently non-existent. Tinanong nya kung ilan na ang naging girlfriend ko. After kong sabihin ang ilang detalye ng aking nakaraan, nacurious siya dun sa itsura nung pinakahuli. So, tamang attach naman ako ng picture nung pinakahuli kong naging gf sa e-mail para dito kay friend.

Ang subject ng email ko: latest ex

brain power

Habang nagchachat kami ni friend (amy-austria-look-a-like), tinanong nya ko kung bakit hindi nakikijamming itong si perslab ko sa kanya sa chat. Nasanay na kasi kami na online ito pag ganitong mga oras. Nang magbrowse ako sa peyups nakita ko online ang username nya. Basta naisip ko lang mag-message sa kanya kung online talaga si perslab sa nasabing website.

ako: online ka sa peyups noh?
perslab: ha?
ako: di ba sinag ang username mo?
perslab: san mo naman nakuha yang info na yan?
ako: dati mo pang sinabi sa akin yun
perslab: ah ganun ba
perslab: hehe
ako:asus

Considering na matagal na nyang nasabi yun sa akin. Kahit papano pala, hindi pa rin lubusang nasasakop ng memory gaps ang aking pornographic mind.
wahehehe!

surprise!

By chance ko lang nalaman na uuwi pala ang dalawang ito dito sa pinas. Event-coordinator naman ang drama ko. At sila ang main surprise ng naiisip kong get-together. Ok naman sa dalawa ang ideyang ito. Kaso nga lang , nung mag-start na ko mag-invite, aba eh halos lahat ng sabihan ko, iniinform ako na uuwi ang dalawa sa pinas.
ngek!!!

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Di ko alam kung anong nakain ko kung bakit ako naglagay ng entry ngayon. Siguro dahil natuwa ako at open na uli for newbies ang peyups.

I started a joke and ended up a jerk. A conceited jerk, that is. I knew it the very moment these words came out of my careless mouth.

"Hindi ko po siya type!"

How conceited can I be? It never mattered that it was a joke. It never really delivered - what I am joking about - that she's not my type because I am suppose to be gay. Nah, my voice did not project what I intended to.

All that must have registered on her mind was; she was in her own condo, she was in front of her friends and there's this one bastard kind of guy who is so mean, so conceited and so rude. Unfortunately and shamefully, it was me.

I am sorry. I am sorry. And I am sorry. Even now, I can not face her. I really had no intention to hurt her. All I wanted was to ellicit some laughter and it blew right into my face. Deservingly, if I may add. I know I have no right to say that... no matter how close to the truth those words may be.

I feel bad for I was bad to her that moment. Regrettable. Everything good we shared in our friendship might go down the drain. Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Now, I am thinking. Can I just be bad all the time? It seems much easier. Effortless. No more friends to hurt, no more friendship to lose and no more regrets. Sounds very convenient huh?

The operative word is bad. I feel really bad because a friend is mad at me. I think I can finally conclude I am bad at relationships. Oh, I'd like to rephrase that. I am good in messing things up.

How ironic that when I finally have something I'd like to enter in my blog, that when I finally found what I thought I have already lost, that when I finally broke free from an assumed and imagined " writer's block", all that I can feel is bad.

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My deepest and sincerest apologies to ms. arawdagat. :(